AI Startup Artisan Raises $25M to Replace Humans, Immediately Hires Humans Because AI Can't Make Coffee

In a move that has left both investors and sarcastic tech journalists utterly flabbergasted, Artisan, the AI startup that vowed to 'stop hiring humans', has just secured a cool $25 million in Series A funding. The irony? They're still hiring humans. Because, as it turns out, AI is great at crunching numbers but still can't figure out how to operate a coffee machine without setting the office on fire.

23-year-old wunderkind Jaspar Carmichael-Jack, who probably still gets carded at R-rated movies, is the brains behind this operation. 'We’re revolutionizing the sales industry by not employing humans,' Carmichael-Jack declared, while simultaneously posting a job opening for a human HR manager on LinkedIn. The cognitive dissonance is so thick you could cut it with a knife, but hey, $25 million buys a lot of knives.

The funding round was led by Glade Brook Capital, with participation from Y Combinator, Day One Ventures, and a host of other investors who apparently missed the memo about the whole 'not hiring humans' thing. 'We believe in the vision of a human-less future,' said a Glade Brook spokesperson, while their human assistant scheduled their next meeting.

Artisan’s AI agents are designed to handle sales, customer service, and other tasks that humans have been doing since the dawn of time. 'Our AI can outperform any human in sales,' boasted Carmichael-Jack, just as their AI mistook a customer’s request for a refund as a marriage proposal. Meanwhile, the humans at Artisan are busy teaching the AI how to not sound like a robot, a task that’s proving more difficult than expected.

In related news, Artisan is also looking to hire a 'Chief Humanity Officer' to 'ensure the AI doesn’t go full Skynet.' Because nothing says 'we don’t need humans' like creating a job to make sure the AI doesn’t exterminate them all. The job listing specifies that the ideal candidate should have 'a sense of humor, because you’re going to need it.'

As for the future, Carmichael-Jack remains optimistic. 'We’re on the brink of a new era where humans are obsolete,' he said, while his human publicist frantically signaled for him to stop talking. One thing’s for sure: if the AI uprising does happen, at least Artisan will have plenty of humans on staff to negotiate the terms of surrender.