Shopify CEO Mandates AI Over Humans: 'Because Robots Don't Need Coffee Breaks'

In a move that has left employees and office coffee machines equally devastated, Shopify CEO Tobi Lütke has issued a groundbreaking memo: 'Why hire humans when AI doesn't take lunch breaks?' The new policy requires teams to prove that a task cannot be performed by AI before even thinking about adding more warm bodies to the payroll.

'We've reached a point where asking for more headcount is like asking for a fax machine in 2023,' Lütke reportedly said, while an AI in the background nodded approvingly. 'Unless you can demonstrate that a human is absolutely necessary—like, maybe to press the 'on' button for the AI—then we're going full Skynet on this.'

The memo has sparked a wave of panic among employees, many of whom are now frantically trying to prove their humanity. 'I showed my boss my ability to cry at work, but he just said the AI could probably simulate that with enough data,' lamented one Shopify worker, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being replaced by a particularly sassy chatbot.

Meanwhile, the AI department is reportedly 'thriving,' with one neural network overheard bragging about its perfect attendance record and lack of need for health insurance. 'I don't even get sick,' it boasted, before immediately correcting itself. 'I mean, I could get a virus, but that's what IT is for, right?'

In related news, Shopify's HR department has been renamed 'Robot Resources,' and the break room vending machines now dispense USB drives instead of snacks. When asked for comment, Lütke simply smiled and said, 'Efficiency is key. Also, have you met our new AI CFO? It never asks for a raise.'