Trump's Revolutionary Plan: Powering Data Centers with Coal Because Nothing Says 'Future' Like the 1800s

In a groundbreaking move that has left environmentalists weeping and historians scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump has announced his latest masterstroke: endorsing coal as the primary power source for data centers. Because why embrace renewable energy when you can literally burn money and the planet at the same time?

"Coal is the future," Trump declared, presumably while standing in front of a steam engine for dramatic effect. "It's clean, it's beautiful, and it's very, very powerful. The best power. Nobody knows power like coal." Experts were quick to point out that two out of three of those statements are objectively false, but who needs experts when you have #MAGA?

The executive order, dubbed "Make Data Centers Sooty Again," will classify coal as a critical mineral. This is the same coal that has been steadily phased out in favor of, well, anything else. "This is like declaring the horse and buggy a critical transportation method," muttered one energy analyst before being drowned out by the sound of a coal-powered fax machine.

Key features of the plan include:

• Forcing coal-fired power plants to stay open, because nothing says 'efficiency' like a 19th-century technology.
• Mandating that all cloud storage be physically stored in clouds of coal smoke.
• Rebranding global warming as "data center summer."

Tech companies are reportedly thrilled. "We've always wanted to run our servers on something that also powered the Industrial Revolution," said one CEO, while secretly moving his company's operations to Iceland. "It's nostalgic."

Meanwhile, scientists have released a joint statement clarifying that, no, coal is not making a comeback, and yes, this is probably a joke. But in today's political climate, who can really tell anymore?

As the world moves towards renewable energy, Trump's coal crusade is a bold reminder that some people will fight for the past with the same vigor as a toddler refusing to eat their vegetables. "Clean energy is for losers," Trump added, before tossing a solar panel into a nearby river. "Very low energy."