Commerce News

Browse our collection of satirical articles about Commerce

Amazon's AI Now Writes Product Descriptions So You Don't Have To (Because Apparently, That's Too Hard)

Amazon's new AI tool is here to save sellers from the arduous task of describing their products, because apparently, writing '100% cotton' was too hard. Copywriters, beware!

Apple's Epic Tantrum: Delaying the Inevitable Like a Toddler with a Stolen Cookie

Apple's latest legal drama over app payments is as predictable as it is entertaining. Will they ever learn to share? Dive into the satire of corporate greed and developer relief.

Instacart CEO Ditches Groceries for Robots: Fidji Simo Joins OpenAI to Teach AI How to Shop

Fidji Simo leaves Instacart to join OpenAI, proving that even CEOs prefer robots over grocery delivery dramas. Find out what this means for AI's future shopping habits.

22-Year-Old Proves Gen Z Can Fly First Class Without Credit Cards, Just a Time Machine and a Dream

Discover how a 22-year-old's startup is 'revolutionizing' travel for Gen Z by making airline miles accessible to everyone (with a few impossible conditions).

Amazon's New Robot Can 'Feel' Your Pain (But Still Won't Give You a Raise)

Amazon's new warehouse robot, Vulcan, can 'feel' your items but still won't unionize. Explore the absurdity of empathetic robots in the workplace.

DoorDash Decides to Buy Everything But the Kitchen Sink for $5.05B, Including Your Local Pizza Guy

DoorDash is buying up the competition and possibly your local eateries in a $5.05B spree that promises to deliver everything but market diversity. Feast your eyes on the future of food delivery monopolies!

FTC Declares War on 'Fee-nomenon': Hidden Fees Now Illegal, World Rejoices

The FTC's new rule bans hidden fees, making it illegal for businesses to surprise you with extra charges at checkout. Finally, transparency wins!

Pinterest's AI Now Knows You Better Than Your Therapist – Visual Search Gets a Mind of Its Own

Pinterest's latest AI update is here to read your mind, judge your pins, and possibly replace your therapist. Discover how visual search is getting a hilariously invasive upgrade.

Temu Throws in the Towel: U.S. Tariffs Turn Chinese Bargains into Priceless Artifacts

Temu's departure from the U.S. market leaves a void in the hearts of bargain lovers and a surplus of green-wristed watch enthusiasts. Discover how tariffs are reshaping the landscape of questionable online shopping.

eBay and Etsy: The Unshakable Titans of the Secondhand Economy Who Fear No Tariff

Discover how eBay and Etsy laugh in the face of tariffs with their unbreakable business models and a community that believes in the power of 'vintage'.

Tim Cook Discovers $900M Under His Tariff Couch Cushions, Future as Uncertain as Your Love Life

Tim Cook reveals tariffs will cost Apple $900M, but don't worry, they'll probably just raise the price of AirPods again. Stay tuned for more financial fun!

Instacart Buys Wynshop: Because Grocers Clearly Need More Cloud in Their Lives

Instacart's latest acquisition proves that the future of grocery shopping is more cloud, more confusion, and definitely more bruised apples.

Amazon Prime Day: The Sale That Promises to Empty Your Wallet Faster Than You Can Say 'Tariffs'

Amazon Prime Day is back, promising to make your summer unforgettable with deals so good, you'll forget about the impending tariff-induced price hikes. Shop 'til you drop (or until your credit card does).

ChatGPT Now Selling Your Soul to the Lowest Bidder: OpenAI’s Latest ‘Shopping’ Feature

OpenAI's ChatGPT now comes with shopping features, because what the world really needed was an AI that can recommend overpriced gadgets you don't need.

Temu's New 'Import Charges': Because Who Doesn't Love Paying More Than the Product's Worth?

Temu's new import charges are so high, they make the products look cheap. Discover how you can now pay more for less in this satirical take on Trump's tariffs.

OmniRetail's $20M Series A: Because Throwing Money at Problems is Still a Strategy

OmniRetail's latest $20M funding round proves that in the world of African B2B e-commerce, optimism is the real currency. Read on for a satirical take on this 'revolutionary' development.
Apr 26, 2025

Julie Wainwright's Memoir: 'Time to Get Real' or Just Really Rich?

Dive into the satirical take on Julie Wainwright's memoir, where the 'messy realities of leadership' include choosing between yachts and islands.

Amazon's 'Coincidental' Book Sale: A Masterclass in Corporate 'Support' for Small Businesses

Amazon's latest book sale hilariously overlaps with Independent Bookstore Day, proving once again that timing is everything when you're a corporate giant with a 'heart'.
Apr 24, 2025

Zappos Founder's Will Reveals He Left His Fortune to... a Shoe?

In a bizarre twist, Zappos founder Tony Hsieh's will leaves his $1.2 billion fortune to a single sneaker. Legal experts are stunned, and the shoe is now the richest footwear in history.

Linktree Now Lets You Monetize Your Existence: Because Your Cat Videos Deserve More Than Just Adoration

Linktree's new monetization features promise to turn every creator into a mini mogul. From selling courses to your thoughts, the future is now, and it's hilarious.

Khloe Kardashian's Khloud Popcorn: The Snack That Promises to Elevate Your Selfie Game to Cloud Nine

Khloe Kardashian's Khloud popcorn isn't just a snack—it's a lifestyle upgrade. Find out how this protein-packed wonder promises to revolutionize your Instagram feed and possibly your life.

Flipkart's Great Escape: HQ Relocates to India in Dramatic IPO Heist

Flipkart's HQ relocates to India in a bold move ahead of its IPO, blending corporate strategy with a dash of chaos and a pinch of humor.

Shein and Temu Decide US Shoppers Need a 'Financial Workout' with New Price Hikes

In a move that shocked absolutely no one who's been paying attention to the global economy, Shein and Temu have announced they're raising prices for their US customers. Why? Becaus...

Apr 13, 2025

Amazon Drivers: The Unsung Heroes of Your Midlife Crisis and Package Deliveries

In a world where your Alexa device judges your music choices and your fridge orders more kale than you could ever eat, Amazon is once again pushing the envelope. This time, they're turning their de...

Jobandtalent's AI Now So Smart It Can Recruit Your Coffee Machine (And Yes, It's Overqualified)

In a groundbreaking move that has left both the tech and temp worlds scratching their heads, Jobandtalent has raised a cool $103 million to further its mission of... well, we're no...

Lyst Loses Its Luster: Fashion Marketplace Once Worth More Than Your Grandma's Antique Vase Sold for Price of a Designer Handbag

In a shocking turn of events that has left the fashion world gasping louder than a Victorian lady in a corset, Lyst, the high-end fashion marketplace once valued at a cool $700 million, ha...

Shopify CEO Mandates AI Over Humans: 'Because Robots Don't Need Coffee Breaks'

In a move that has left employees and office coffee machines equally devastated, Shopify CEO Tobi Lütke has issued a groundbreaking memo: 'Why hire humans when AI doesn't take lunch breaks?...

Amazon’s New AI Agent: Because Who Needs Free Will When Shopping?

In a groundbreaking move that has left both consumers and their wallets trembling, Amazon has announced its latest innovation: Buy for Me, an AI shopping agent that essentially rem...

TikTok Shop Invades Europe: Because What's More Viral Than Capitalism?

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, TikTok has announced its plans to unleash TikTok Shop upon the unsuspecting citizens of France, Germany, and Italy. Because nothing says <...

Amazon's New AI Feature: Because You Definitely Needed More Reasons to Spend Money

In a bold move that absolutely no one saw coming, Amazon has decided to double down on its mission to separate you from your hard-earned cash. Introducing "Interests", the...

T-Shirt Tycoons: How Bluesky Outfits Outdid Zuckerberg in the Fashion of Mockery

In a world where tech moguls are usually seen in hoodies and jeans, Bluesky has taken the high road—or perhaps the cheeky back alley—by turning a simple T-shirt into a lucrative empire of mockery. ...

Google Plays Hide and Seek with EU's Digital Markets Act, Loses

In a shocking turn of events that no one could have possibly seen coming, Google has found itself in the hot seat with the European Union once again. This time, it's for allegedly playing a little ...

Google Unleashes Kids' Wildest Dreams: Unlimited Candy Purchases with Google Wallet

In a move that has parents everywhere quaking in their boots, Google has announced that children can now use Google Wallet for in-store payments. That's right, the little tykes can now tap their wa...

Mar 19, 2025

Shopify Jumps Ship: Trading NYSE Glam for Nasdaq's Neon Lights

In a move that has left Wall Street's old guard clutching their pearls and monocles, Shopify, the Canadian e-commerce darling, has decided to take its Class A shares on a little field trip from the...

GrubMarket Gobbles Up $50M to Teach AI the Secret of Overpriced Avocados

In a bold move that has left both Wall Street and Whole Foods shoppers aghast, GrubMarket has successfully raised $50 million to further its quest to dominate the $1 trillion food distribution indu...

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