Fundraising News
Browse our collection of satirical articles about Fundraising
Lightrun's AI Now Debugging Code and Bank Accounts with $70M Funding
TechCrunch Disrupt 2025: Your Chance to Speak (Or Just Brag About Your Startup in Front of 10,000 People)
Venture Capitalists Speak in Tongues: A Divine Comedy of Mixed Signals
Welcome to Startups Weekly — the only newsletter that deciphers the enigmatic hieroglyphics of venture capital so you don't have to. Want this wisdom delivered directly to your cer...
LatAm Startups Declare War on Boredom: TechCrunch Battlefield or Gladiator Arena?
In a shocking turn of events, Latin American startups have stormed the TechCrunch Startup Battlefield, not with swords and shields, but with apps and algorithms. The battlefield, k...
Wasp's Platform: The Digital Duct Tape of Web Development or Just Another Pie in the Sky?
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (also known as Silicon Valley), a brave soul named Matija Šošić embarked on a perilous quest. His mission? To navigate the treacherous, fragmented dev tool...
Parallel Systems: Because Trains Need to Learn How to Drive Themselves Too
In a world where even toasters are getting smarter, it was only a matter of time before trains decided they wanted in on the autonomy action. Enter Parallel Systems, the brainchild...
Jobandtalent's AI Now So Smart It Can Recruit Your Coffee Machine (And Yes, It's Overqualified)
In a groundbreaking move that has left both the tech and temp worlds scratching their heads, Jobandtalent has raised a cool $103 million to further its mission of... well, we're no...
AI Startup Artisan Raises $25M to Replace Humans, Immediately Hires Humans Because AI Can't Make Coffee
In a move that has left both investors and sarcastic tech journalists utterly flabbergasted, Artisan, the AI startup that vowed to 'stop hiring humans', has just secured a cool $25...
Moonvalley's AI Video Wizardry Conjures Up $43M from Mysterious Investors Who Definitely Aren't Robots
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Moonvalley, the Los Angeles-based startup that's been teaching AI to make videos so you don't have to, has magically...
IBM Eats Hakkoda for Breakfast: Another Consultancy Vanishes Into the Corporate Borg
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, IBM has gobbled up another consultancy firm, Hakkoda, because apparently, IBM's hunger for AI and data consultancies is as insatiable as a teenager's appet...
Startups Weekly: The Blockbuster Nobody Asked For - Rippling's Espionage Saga
Welcome to Startups Weekly, the only newsletter that promises to deliver less news and more drama than your average soap opera. This week, we're diving into the thrilling ...
Phonic AI: Because Your Customers Deserve a Voice That Sounds Like a Robot from the 80s
In a world where AI can generate art that looks like it was painted by a drunken Picasso, write poetry that would make Shakespeare reconsider his career, and even compose music that doesn't sound l...
Runway's AI Now So Rich It Can Buy Hollywood, Plans to Replace All Actors with Deepfakes
In a move that has left both the tech and entertainment industries shook, Runway, the startup that's been quietly teaching AI to generate videos that are almost as good as...
Salva Health: Because Waiting for a Tragedy to Innovate is So Last Decade
In a world where startups are usually about delivering pizza via drone or another app to "disrupt" your morning coffee, Salva Health emerges as the unicorn we didn't know we needed. Yes, f...
Parasail Claims Its GPU Fleet is So Big, Even Oracle's Cloud is Blushing
In a world where cloud infrastructure is as crowded as a Black Friday sale at a tech store, Parasail has decided to drop a bombshell that's louder than your neighbor's blender at 3...
Qualcomm Buys Vietnamese AI Startup's 'Magic 8-Ball' Division for Who Even Knows How Much
In a move that has left everyone scratching their heads but not enough to actually look it up, Qualcomm has acquired the generative AI division of VinAI, a Vietnamese startup that ...
Hurry! Only 48 Hours Left to Sell Your Soul (I Mean, Secure Your Pass) for TechCrunch All Stage
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, TechCrunch has announced that time is running out to secure your precious founder or investor pass for thei...
Hurry! Only 72 Hours Left to Spend $300+ on TechCrunch Tickets You'll Regret Not Buying
That's right, folks! The clock is ticking louder than your anxiety about missing out on the TechCrunch All Stage event. You have a mere three days to save $300+
Mercury's Valuation Soars to Interstellar Heights, Leaving Earthly Logic Behind
In a week where the laws of physics and finance were apparently suspended, Mercury decided that doubling its valuation wasn't enough—it had to more than double it, because why not?...
Hurry! Only 96 Hours to Save $300+ on Tickets to Watch Rich People Talk About Being Rich
That's right, folks! The clock is ticking faster than a startup's burn rate, and you've got just four days to secure your golden ticket to the TechCrunch All Stage extrava...
eBay Throws Money at GraphQL StartUp Because Apparently, We Need More Acronyms in Our Lives
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, eBay has decided to invest in yet another tech startup. This time, it's WunderGraph, a company that promise...
Hurry! Only 96 Hours to Pretend You're a Tech Mogul at TechCrunch's 'All Stage' Extravaganza
Tick-tock, tech enthusiasts! The clock is mercilessly counting down the final 4 days to secure your golden ticket to the most exclusive circle jerk—err, we mean networking even...
OpenAI's $40B Party: SoftBank Leads the Charge While We Stick to Making AI Memes
In a world where the rest of us are still trying to figure out how to make ChatGPT generate a decent joke, OpenAI is out there playing Monopoly with real money. Yes, the AI overlords are at...
GetReal or GetReeled? AI Startup Claims to Spot Deepfakes But Can’t Tell If Your Cat Videos Are Real
In a world where your grandma might actually be a Russian bot, startup GetReal has boldly stepped forward with $18 million and a dream: to tell us which videos are real an...
AI Detector Brisk Raises $15M to Snitch on Students Using ChatGPT – Because Teachers Can’t Tell a Sonnet from Software
In a groundbreaking move that has students sweating bullets and teachers breathing sighs of relief, AI edtech startup Brisk has secured a cool $15 million to develop what is essent...
Kubernetes Clusters So Confusing, Company Hires 15 People Just to Figure Out Where They Put Them
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, a company has admitted that managing Kubernetes clusters is, in fact, as confusing as trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the i...
TechCrunch Disrupt 2025: Your Golden Ticket to Silicon Valley Stardom (or at Least Free Wi-Fi)
Do you have a revolutionary idea that's just a PowerPoint presentation away from changing the world? Or perhaps you've mastered the art of nodding thoughtfully while someone says <...
Only 7 Days Left to 'Enrich' VCs with Your Startup Dreams – Save a Whopping $300!
In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the startup ecosystem (or at least through the inboxes of those who haven't unsubscribed yet), TechCrunch All Stage
TechCrunch Startup Battlefield 200: Because Your Garage-Born Idea Deserves a Global Stage (Or Does It?)
Attention all dreamers, schemers, and "I swear it's not just another app" entrepreneurs! TechCrunch is throwing open the doors to its Startup Battlefield 200, the only competition where yo...
Browser Use: The $17M Solution to Teach AI How to Click 'I Agree' Without Reading
In a world where AI can write poetry, solve complex equations, and even attempt to understand human emotions, there's one thing they've been struggling with: navigating the web without thro...
Nvidia Buys Gretel: Because Real Data is So Last Decade
In a groundbreaking move that has left the tech world both bewildered and mildly amused, Nvidia has reportedly acquired Gretel, the San Diego startup that's been playing God with synthetic data. Ye...
Elon Musk’s X: The $44 Billion Dollar Yo-Yo
In a shocking turn of events that has left financial analysts and casual observers alike scratching their heads, Elon Musk's social media platform X (formerly known as Twitter, for those who are st...
AMT's AI: Because Influencers Can't Be Bothered to Read Emails
In a world where your Instagram feed is more curated than the Louvre, one startup dares to ask: Why should marketers suffer the agony of direct messaging influencers? Enter Agentic...
Graphite: The AI That Codes, Reviews, and Probably Dreams in Python
In a world where AI can do everything from writing your emails to choosing your Netflix shows, it was only a matter of time before it started ghostwriting your code. Enter Graphite...
GrubMarket Gobbles Up $50M to Teach AI the Secret of Overpriced Avocados
In a bold move that has left both Wall Street and Whole Foods shoppers aghast, GrubMarket has successfully raised $50 million to further its quest to dominate the $1 trillion food distribution indu...
TechCrunch All Stage: Where Founders Go to Pretend They're Changing the World
Mark your calendars, folks! The TechCrunch All Stage (formerly known as Early Stage, because apparently, we're all about rebranding to sound more important) is making its grand return to Boston on ...
Nvidia’s AI Empire: Because Buying the Whole Silicon Valley Was Too Subtle
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Nvidia has decided to not just lead the AI revolution but to literally own it. The tech giant, known for turning gamers into miners and then back into game...
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