Startups News
Browse our collection of satirical articles about Startups
US Treasury Plays Detective: Is Benchmark's Love Affair with Chinese AI Startup Manus a Case of Forbidden Romance?
Meta’s New AI: Because Who Needs Humans When You Have Algorithms?
22-Year-Old Proves Gen Z Can Fly First Class Without Credit Cards, Just a Time Machine and a Dream
ServiceNow's Shopping Spree: Buying AI Startups Like They're Going Out of Style
From Ramen to Riches: How a Tweet Turned These Broke Founders Into Overnight Millionaires (And Why You Should Probably Start Tweeting More)
US Companies Flee to LatAm for AI Talent: 'We Can't Handle Their Coffee Either'
Cluely: The AI That Promises to Make Cheating Great Again (Until It Gets You Fired)
Fivetran and Census Tie the Knot in Data Movement Marriage Made in Cloud Heaven
TechCrunch Extends Side Event Deadline: Because Your AI Project Wasn't Ready Last Week Either
Last Chance to Pay Big Bucks for the Privilege of Watching Robots Steal Our Jobs at TechCrunch Sessions: AI
Last Chance to Join the AI Circus: TechCrunch's Side Event Frenzy Ends Tonight!
AI Startup Manus Valued at $500M Because Why Not? Benchmark Throws Money at the Wall to See What Sticks
TechCrunch Disrupt 2025: Your Chance to Speak (Or Just Brag About Your Startup in Front of 10,000 People)
Khloe Kardashian's Khloud Popcorn: The Snack That Promises to Elevate Your Selfie Game to Cloud Nine
Venture Capitalists Speak in Tongues: A Divine Comedy of Mixed Signals
Welcome to Startups Weekly — the only newsletter that deciphers the enigmatic hieroglyphics of venture capital so you don't have to. Want this wisdom delivered directly to your cer...
SPACs Are Back (Because Apparently, We Forgot How Bad They Were)
In a move that shocked absolutely no one who hasn't been paying attention since 2021, Kodiak Robotics has decided to dust off the ol' SPAC playbook. That's right, folks – the S...
LatAm Startups Declare War on Boredom: TechCrunch Battlefield or Gladiator Arena?
In a shocking turn of events, Latin American startups have stormed the TechCrunch Startup Battlefield, not with swords and shields, but with apps and algorithms. The battlefield, k...
OpenAI's Shopping Spree: Why Buy Windsurf for $3B When You Could Just Steal Cursor and Call It a Day?
In a move that has left the tech world scratching its collective head, OpenAI has decided to drop a cool $3 billion on Windsurf, an AI coding company that, let's be honest, most of us had never hea...
Wasp's Platform: The Digital Duct Tape of Web Development or Just Another Pie in the Sky?
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (also known as Silicon Valley), a brave soul named Matija Šošić embarked on a perilous quest. His mission? To navigate the treacherous, fragmented dev tool...
Startups Drown in Cash While Investors Pray for a Miracle in 2025
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, startups have once again broken the bank in Q1, scooping up a cool $91.5 billion in venture capital funding. Accordi...
Deck's $12M Magic Wand: Turning Every Website into Plaid Because Why Not?
In a groundbreaking move that has left the tech world both confused and mildly amused, Deck, the startup that's decided to be the "Plaid for the rest of the internet", has...
Last Chance to Join the AI Circus: TechCrunch's AI Extravaganza Needs Your Half-Baked Robot Ideas
Time is running out to throw your hat into the ring at TechCrunch Sessions: AI, the annual gathering where tech's brightest (and most delusional) minds come together to prove that ...
Ex-Tesla Team Creates 'Atomic' AI to Save Supply Chains from Themselves (Because Humans Clearly Can't)
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, former Tesla supply chain leaders have decided that the best way to prevent another near-apocalyptic production meltdown is to remove humans from the equat...
Meta's Llama Drama: When AI Releases Are as Exciting as Watching Paint Dry
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Meta decided to drop not one, not two, but three new AI models over the weekend. Because when you're losing relevance in the AI arms race, why not...
Parallel Systems: Because Trains Need to Learn How to Drive Themselves Too
In a world where even toasters are getting smarter, it was only a matter of time before trains decided they wanted in on the autonomy action. Enter Parallel Systems, the brainchild...
TechCrunch Sessions: AI - The Hunger Games for Exhibit Tables
In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except everyone), TechCrunch Sessions: AI is upon us, and the exhibit tables are disappearing faster than your privacy on a fre...
Claude's $200 'Max' Subscription: Because Your Chatbot Deserves the Champagne of AI
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Anthropic has decided that if OpenAI can charge an arm and a leg for their AI, so can they. Enter Claude Max, the new $200-a-month subscri...
AI Startup Artisan Raises $25M to Replace Humans, Immediately Hires Humans Because AI Can't Make Coffee
In a move that has left both investors and sarcastic tech journalists utterly flabbergasted, Artisan, the AI startup that vowed to 'stop hiring humans', has just secured a cool $25...
Work for Free & Get a Front-Row Seat to Your Own Exploitation at TechCrunch’s AI Circus!
Are you tired of being paid for your labor like some kind of feudal peasant? Do you yearn for the sweet, sweet taste of uncompensated effort? Well, dust off your best "volunteer" s...
AI Breakout Stars: How Two Lucky Nerds Won the Popularity Contest of the Century
In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except maybe their moms), two individuals have been crowned the Audience Choice winners to lead breakouts at TechCrunch Ses...
Thinking Machines Lab: Where Ex-OpenAI Geniuses Go to Plot World Domination (Probably)
In a move that has shocked absolutely no one, Mira Murati's Thinking Machines Lab has become the latest hotspot for ex-OpenAI employees who are just too smart for their ow...
Startups Weekly: The Blockbuster Nobody Asked For - Rippling's Espionage Saga
Welcome to Startups Weekly, the only newsletter that promises to deliver less news and more drama than your average soap opera. This week, we're diving into the thrilling ...
HR Tech or Spy Tech? Rippling's Lawsuit Against Deel Reads Like a Bad Bond Movie
In a turn of events that has everyone questioning whether they're in HR tech or a poorly scripted spy movie, Rippling has filed a lawsuit against Deel that's more ...
Runway's AI Now So Rich It Can Buy Hollywood, Plans to Replace All Actors with Deepfakes
In a move that has left both the tech and entertainment industries shook, Runway, the startup that's been quietly teaching AI to generate videos that are almost as good as...
Blockchain to the Rescue: Web3 Startup Promises to End Tariff Wars With Magic Internet Money
In a world where tariffs are as confusing as a IKEA manual, a plucky web3 startup has boldly claimed it can solve all our problems with the one thing we all trust implicitly: b...
Salva Health: Because Waiting for a Tragedy to Innovate is So Last Decade
In a world where startups are usually about delivering pizza via drone or another app to "disrupt" your morning coffee, Salva Health emerges as the unicorn we didn't know we needed. Yes, f...
Actively AI Bags $22.5M to Outdo 'Dumb' AI Sales Bots - Because Apparently, They Can't Even Fake Enthusiasm
In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except everyone), Actively AI has secured a whopping $22.5 million to teach AI how to sell stuff without sounding like...
Parasail Claims Its GPU Fleet is So Big, Even Oracle's Cloud is Blushing
In a world where cloud infrastructure is as crowded as a Black Friday sale at a tech store, Parasail has decided to drop a bombshell that's louder than your neighbor's blender at 3...
Hurry! Only 48 Hours Left to Sell Your Soul (I Mean, Secure Your Pass) for TechCrunch All Stage
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, TechCrunch has announced that time is running out to secure your precious founder or investor pass for thei...
Hurry! Only 72 Hours Left to Spend $300+ on TechCrunch Tickets You'll Regret Not Buying
That's right, folks! The clock is ticking louder than your anxiety about missing out on the TechCrunch All Stage event. You have a mere three days to save $300+
Mercury's Valuation Soars to Interstellar Heights, Leaving Earthly Logic Behind
In a week where the laws of physics and finance were apparently suspended, Mercury decided that doubling its valuation wasn't enough—it had to more than double it, because why not?...
Hurry! Only 96 Hours to Save $300+ on Tickets to Watch Rich People Talk About Being Rich
That's right, folks! The clock is ticking faster than a startup's burn rate, and you've got just four days to secure your golden ticket to the TechCrunch All Stage extrava...
OpenAI Spends $40 Billion to Turn Your Cat Photos into Studio Ghibli Masterpieces
In a move that has left both tech enthusiasts and anime fans scratching their heads, OpenAI has reportedly secured a whopping $40 billion in funding. The goal? To achieve ...
Krafton acquires controlling stake in Indian gaming studio Nautilus Mobile for $14M (Satirical Version)
AI Now Retrieves Invoices Because Humans Can't Be Trusted With Basic Tasks
In a groundbreaking development that has absolutely no one questioning their life choices, Twin has unveiled its first AI agent designed to fetch invoices for Qonto
eBay Throws Money at GraphQL StartUp Because Apparently, We Need More Acronyms in Our Lives
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, eBay has decided to invest in yet another tech startup. This time, it's WunderGraph, a company that promise...
Hurry! Only 96 Hours to Pretend You're a Tech Mogul at TechCrunch's 'All Stage' Extravaganza
Tick-tock, tech enthusiasts! The clock is mercilessly counting down the final 4 days to secure your golden ticket to the most exclusive circle jerk—err, we mean networking even...
Amazon’s Alexa Fund Now Investing in AI Startups Because Apparently, It’s Lonely
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Amazon’s Alexa Fund has decided to broaden its horizons from just backing voice startups to now throwing money at any AI startup that can spell ‘ma...
Cerebras Systems’ IPO: The Never-Ending Story of Silicon Valley’s Most Patient Chipmaker
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except, you know, everyone), Cerebras Systems has announced yet another delay in its IPO. This marks the 47th time the AI chipmaker h...
AI Bots Demand Paychecks: Manny Medina's Startup 'Paid' Ensures They Don't Work for Exposure
In a world where AI bots are doing everything from writing poetry to diagnosing diseases, Manny Medina, the visionary behind Outreach, has launched a startup that's shaking the ver...
Kubernetes Clusters So Confusing, Company Hires 15 People Just to Figure Out Where They Put Them
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, a company has admitted that managing Kubernetes clusters is, in fact, as confusing as trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the i...
TechCrunch Disrupt 2025: Your Golden Ticket to Silicon Valley Stardom (or at Least Free Wi-Fi)
Do you have a revolutionary idea that's just a PowerPoint presentation away from changing the world? Or perhaps you've mastered the art of nodding thoughtfully while someone says <...
Only 7 Days Left to 'Enrich' VCs with Your Startup Dreams – Save a Whopping $300!
In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the startup ecosystem (or at least through the inboxes of those who haven't unsubscribed yet), TechCrunch All Stage
TechCrunch Startup Battlefield 200: Because Your Garage-Born Idea Deserves a Global Stage (Or Does It?)
Attention all dreamers, schemers, and "I swear it's not just another app" entrepreneurs! TechCrunch is throwing open the doors to its Startup Battlefield 200, the only competition where yo...
FuriosaAI to Meta: '$800M? That Won't Even Cover Our Coffee Budget!'
In a move that has left the tech world both baffled and mildly entertained, South Korean AI chip startup FuriosaAI has reportedly turned down an $810 million acquisition offer from...
Wayve CEO Reveals Secret Sauce: Autonomous Cars Now Powered by Dreams and Wi-Fi
In a groundbreaking revelation that's set to disrupt the tech world as we know it, Wayve CEO Alex Kendall has shared the secret ingredients for scaling autonomous driving technolog...
1X’s Neo Gamma: The Robot That Will Finally Judge Your Laundry Folding Skills
In a bold move that combines cutting-edge technology with a dash of domestic dystopia, Norwegian robotics startup 1X has announced plans to deploy its humanoid robot, Neo Gamma, into 'a few hundred...
Airbyte's New Connectors: Finally, Data Can Go on a World Tour Without Packing a Suitcase
In a groundbreaking move that has left the tech world both baffled and slightly aroused, Airbyte has announced the launch of its new 'Connector Extravaganza.' These aren't just any connectors; they...
AI Speaker Showdown: Democracy Meets the Singularity
In a bold move that combines democracy with the impending doom of the AI takeover, TechCrunch is letting mere mortals vote on who gets to speak at their Sessions: AI event. Because, of cou...
Nvidia Buys Gretel: Because Real Data is So Last Decade
In a groundbreaking move that has left the tech world both bewildered and mildly amused, Nvidia has reportedly acquired Gretel, the San Diego startup that's been playing God with synthetic data. Ye...
AWS's AI Wizard Ditches Cloud for Startup Dreams: 'I’m Going to Build the Hogwarts of Generative AI'
In a move that shocked the tech world, Raj Aggarwal, the former Gandalf of Generative AI at AWS, has decided to leave the cloud kingdom to start his own magical academy of artificial intelligence. ...
AI or Die: AngelList CEO Declares Every Startup Must Now Be an AI Startup or Face Extinction
In a groundbreaking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the tech industry, AngelList CEO Avlok Kohli has declared that every software company must now be an AI company, or ...
Tera AI Emerges from the Shadows with $7.8M to Teach Robots How to Not Bump Into Walls
In a groundbreaking move that has left the tech world both baffled and slightly amused, Tera AI has proudly stepped out of the shadows, clutching a cool $7.8 million in funding. Their mission? To t...
AI Overlords Demand Your Vote: Who Will Be the Next Cult Leader at TechCrunch’s AI Circus?
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, TechCrunch has decided to let mere mortals decide who gets to preach the gospel of AI at their upcoming TechCrunch Sessions: AI
AMT's AI: Because Influencers Can't Be Bothered to Read Emails
In a world where your Instagram feed is more curated than the Louvre, one startup dares to ask: Why should marketers suffer the agony of direct messaging influencers? Enter Agentic...
Prezent AI: Solving Humanity's Greatest Problem - Boring PowerPoints
In a groundbreaking move that has left the world of corporate presentations gasping for air, Prezent has secured a whopping $20 million in funding. Their mission? To revolutionize the way we sleep ...
Graphite: The AI That Codes, Reviews, and Probably Dreams in Python
In a world where AI can do everything from writing your emails to choosing your Netflix shows, it was only a matter of time before it started ghostwriting your code. Enter Graphite...
Arcade Secures $12M to Teach AI Agents to Stop Being Jerks
In a groundbreaking move that has the tech world buzzing, Arcade, the startup that promises to make AI agents less insufferable, has just bagged a cool $12 million. The funding comes from Laude Ven...
GrubMarket Gobbles Up $50M to Teach AI the Secret of Overpriced Avocados
In a bold move that has left both Wall Street and Whole Foods shoppers aghast, GrubMarket has successfully raised $50 million to further its quest to dominate the $1 trillion food distribution indu...
ReactWise: Where AI Mixes Potions Faster Than a Hogwarts Dropout
In a world where time is money and patience is as rare as a unicorn in a lab coat, ReactWise, the Cambridge-based wizardry school for AI, is stirring the pot—literally. Backed by Y Combinator, this...
AI Conference Turns Into Gladiator Arena: Vote Now or the Robots Win
In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except maybe your smart fridge), TechCrunch has announced that their AI conference will now resemble an ancient gladiator arena. The event, chee...
TechCrunch All Stage: Where Founders Go to Pretend They're Changing the World
Mark your calendars, folks! The TechCrunch All Stage (formerly known as Early Stage, because apparently, we're all about rebranding to sound more important) is making its grand return to Boston on ...
Nvidia’s AI Empire: Because Buying the Whole Silicon Valley Was Too Subtle
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Nvidia has decided to not just lead the AI revolution but to literally own it. The tech giant, known for turning gamers into miners and then back into game...
OpenAI and Microsoft: A Love Story Written in Cloud Code
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, OpenAI and Microsoft have decided to take their complicated relationship to the next level by involving a third party, CoreWeave. Because, why not...
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