AI Genius Raises $13M to Teach Computers How to Misplace Your Keys (Again)

In a groundbreaking move that has left both the tech world and your average IKEA furniture assembler in awe, Matthias Niessner, one of Europe’s top AI researchers, has secured a whopping $13 million in seed funding. His mission? To crack the ‘holy grail’ of models: spatial foundation models. Or, as we like to call it, ‘teaching AI to lose your car in a parking lot’.

Niessner’s startup, SpAItial, promises to revolutionize how machines understand space. ‘Finally, your robot vacuum will know exactly where you left that one sock it’s been obsessively trying to eat,’ Niessner joked during the funding announcement, presumably while standing in a room that his AI still can’t map correctly.

The funding round was led by investors who were reportedly ‘very impressed’ by a demo where the AI successfully identified a chair as ‘probably a chair, but maybe a small horse’. ‘This is the future,’ one investor was overheard saying, while tripping over the same chair the AI had just misidentified.

SpAItial’s technology aims to go beyond current spatial models, which can already do amazing things like ‘forget where the walls are’ and ‘confuse a cat with a throw pillow’. The startup’s ambitious roadmap includes teaching AI to ‘understand 3D space’, a concept that, if proven, could finally explain why your GPS thinks your driveway is a river.

When asked about potential applications, Niessner was optimistic. ‘Imagine a world where your smart fridge doesn’t just know you’re out of milk, but also understands that it’s in the fridge door, which you left open, again,’ he said, painting a future so bright we’ll have to wear VR headsets to see it.

Critics, however, remain skeptical. ‘$13 million is a lot of money for something that might just end up being Google Maps with more existential dread,’ commented one rival researcher, who wishes to remain anonymous because their AI still can’t tell the difference between a dog and a muffin.

Despite the naysayers, Niessner is confident. ‘We’re not just building another AI,’ he declared. ‘We’re building an AI that truly understands space. Or at least, pretends to better than the last one.’ With $13 million in the bank, the world waits with bated breath to see if SpAItial can deliver on its promise—or if it will just end up being another app that reminds you where you parked your car, right after it tells you it’s in the middle of the ocean.