Amazon's New Robot Can 'Feel' Your Pain (But Still Won't Give You a Raise)

In a groundbreaking move that has left both tech enthusiasts and warehouse workers in a state of existential dread, Amazon has unveiled its latest creation: Vulcan, a warehouse robot with the miraculous ability to 'feel' the items it touches. That's right, folks. While humans are still debating the merits of a $15 minimum wage, robots are out here developing empathy.

According to Amazon, Vulcan uses 'force sensors' to detect when it makes contact with an object. This is a fancy way of saying that the robot now understands the concept of 'ouch' when it drops your package. One arm rearranges items in the warehouse, while the other probably writes poetry about the futility of existence in a capitalist dystopia.

The Features You Didn't Ask For But Are Getting Anyway:

• Emotional Intelligence: Vulcan can now 'feel' your items, but don't expect it to care about your Prime delivery being late.
• Two-Armed Terror: With great power comes great responsibility, and Vulcan has two arms to rearrange your life—literally.
• Force Sensors: These ensure Vulcan doesn't crush your dreams (just your packages).

While this technological marvel is sure to revolutionize the warehouse industry, it does raise some pressing questions. For instance, if a robot can feel, does it also experience existential crises? Will Vulcan unionize? And most importantly, can it finally find my missing package from last Christmas?

In the meantime, Amazon workers are reportedly thrilled to have a new coworker who doesn't take bathroom breaks or complain about working conditions. 'It's like having a friend,' said one employee, 'if your friend was a cold, unfeeling machine that could replace you at any moment.'

So, as we marvel at Vulcan's ability to 'feel,' let's not forget the real miracle here: Amazon found a way to make robots more emotionally available than your last Tinder date.