Google I/O 2025: Brace Yourselves for More AI That Pretends to Understand You

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Google has announced that its annual I/O conference will once again be a parade of AI updates that promise to revolutionize your life while subtly collecting all your data. Scheduled for May 20 to 21 at the Shoreline Amphitheatre (because what says "tech conference" like a venue usually reserved for indie bands and washed-up 90s acts?), this year’s event is set to dazzle with more half-baked AI features that you’ll use twice and forget.

Here’s what to expect:

• Gemini 2.0: Now with 200% more corporate buzzwords! The update no one asked for but everyone will pretend to care about. Gemini will now interrupt your thoughts with unsolicited advice like a know-it-all sibling.
• Android 16: Because 15 just wasn’t enough. This year’s theme? "We added more bloatware you can’t uninstall."
• Google Search: Introducing "Search But Worse," where the first result is always a paid ad, the second is a Reddit thread, and the third is your data being sold to the highest bidder.

And let’s not forget the keynote speech, where a Google exec will stand on stage for 45 minutes saying absolutely nothing of substance while the audience claps at every pause like trained seals. The highlight? A dramatic reveal of a new feature that Apple implemented three years ago.

But wait, there’s more! This year, Google is introducing "AI-Powered Mindfulness," where your phone will gently remind you to take a break from staring at it, right after it’s spent the last hour bombarding you with notifications. Because nothing says mindfulness like a machine that profits off your attention span.

So mark your calendars for Google I/O 2025: where the future is bright, the AI is sketchy, and the hype is completely unjustified.