Nvidia Declares China 'Too Cool for School' in Latest Revenue Forecast Snub

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Nvidia has decided to exclude China from its revenue and profit forecasts, citing the U.S. chip export restrictions as the equivalent of a parental block on a teenager's internet access. "We just don't see them changing their minds anytime soon," said Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, while presumably shrugging in a very dramatic fashion.

The decision comes after months of Nvidia trying to sweet-talk the U.S. government into loosening the restrictions, much like a kid trying to convince their parents that a pet elephant is totally a reasonable birthday present. Spoiler alert: It didn't work.

China, on the other hand, has responded to the snub by calmly stating they're "totally fine" with the decision and that they "didn't even want those chips anyway." This, of course, is the geopolitical equivalent of saying "I'm not crying, you're crying" after a breakup.

Industry experts have weighed in, suggesting that Nvidia's decision is like a baker refusing to sell bread to someone because the government said they might use it to make toast—which, as we all know, is a gateway to harder carbs.

Meanwhile, Nvidia shareholders are reportedly "thrilled" with the news, if by thrilled you mean they're currently rocking back and forth while whispering "it's fine, everything's fine" into their morning coffee.

In related news, the rest of the world is quietly wondering if they're next on Nvidia's list of "places we pretend don't exist when it's convenient." Only time will tell.