Amazon Drivers: The Unsung Heroes of Your Midlife Crisis and Package Deliveries

In a world where your Alexa device judges your music choices and your fridge orders more kale than you could ever eat, Amazon is once again pushing the envelope. This time, they're turning their delivery drivers into part-time paramedics. Because nothing says "I trust you with my life" like the person who just left your package in the rain.

According to sources who definitely didn't just read it on Bloomberg, Amazon's Project Pulse is equipping delivery vans with defibrillators. That's right, the same vans that bring you your monthly supply of artisanal kombucha could now also shock your heart back to life. Talk about added value!

Here's how it works: You're having a heart attack because you just saw the price of organic avocados. Luckily, your Amazon driver is nearby, delivering a life-saving package of... more avocados. With their newly acquired medical training, they rush to your side, defibrillator in hand, ready to save the day. Or at least, that's the theory. In reality, they might just be trying to get a signature for your delivery.

• Pro: Faster response times than an ambulance... if you live next to a distribution center.
• Con: Your medical bill now includes Prime membership fees.
• Unexpected Benefit: Drone deliveries could now perform aerial CPR. "Clear! Beep beep!"

But let's not overlook the real hero here: the Amazon driver. Already expected to navigate apocalyptic weather, rogue pets, and the occasional existential dread of modern capitalism, now they can add "saving lives" to their resume. And the best part? They'll still get rated poorly if they're 30 seconds late.

So next time you see an Amazon van, remember: it's not just carrying your impulse buys. It's carrying hope. And possibly a defibrillator. Just don't ask them to also fix your Wi-Fi.