Amazon Prime Day: The Sale That Promises to Empty Your Wallet Faster Than You Can Say 'Tariffs'

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Amazon has announced that Prime Day will return this July, because what's summer without a little financial recklessness? The e-commerce behemoth, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the best time to encourage mass consumerism is during a period when tariffs might make your favorite cheap plastic trinkets slightly less cheap. What could go wrong?

This year, Prime Day isn't just about scoring deals on items you didn't know you needed until they were 30% off. No, it's also an educational experience! Amazon, in partnership with the School of Hard Knocks, will help you understand the impact of tariffs by making sure you feel them in your wallet. "Think of it as a real-world economics lesson," said no Amazon spokesperson ever.

But don't worry, the company has your back. Rumor has it that Amazon will begin displaying the potential tariff-induced price hikes right next to the 'Add to Cart' button, because nothing says 'impulse buy' like a little dose of fiscal reality. "We want our customers to make informed decisions," said a source who definitely works at Amazon and not at a competing retail giant.

And for those concerned that tariffs might dampen the Prime Day spirit, fear not! Amazon has a plan to keep the savings coming. How, you ask? By offering even more credit options, of course! Because if there's one thing better than buying things you don't need, it's buying things you don't need with money you don't have. Prime Day: now with more debt!

So mark your calendars, set your alarms, and prepare your bank accounts for the annual tradition of pretending you're saving money while spending more than you ever intended. After all, in the grand tradition of Prime Day, the real deal is on the sense of accomplishment you'll feel when you finally close your laptop at 3 AM, having purchased a pasta maker, a set of LED dog collars, and a lifetime supply of coconut oil. Priorities.