DoorDash Decides to Buy Everything But the Kitchen Sink for $5.05B, Including Your Local Pizza Guy

In a move that shocked absolutely no one who's been paying attention to the tech industry's obsession with monopolizing every conceivable service, DoorDash announced today its plans to acquire not just its UK rival Deliveroo for a cool $3.85B, but also the CRM software startup SevenRooms for $1.2B. Because why stop at food delivery when you can also manage your customers' relationships for them?

The acquisition spree doesn't stop there, though. Insiders whisper that DoorDash is also in talks to purchase your favorite local pizza place, the guy who sells hot dogs outside the stadium, and possibly your grandma's Sunday dinner, because "vertical integration" or something.

"We're thrilled to welcome Deliveroo and SevenRooms into the DoorDash family," said a DoorDash spokesperson, while secretly plotting to rename the entire family "DoorDash" because branding. "Together, we'll deliver not just food, but also the crushing realization that there's no escape from corporate consolidation."

Critics argue that this move could lead to a monopoly on laziness, with DoorDash controlling everything from the moment you decide you're too tired to cook to the second you regret ordering that third helping of fried rice at 2 AM. "It's a bold strategy," admitted one analyst. "Let's see if it pays off for them or if we all just start cooking again out of spite."

Meanwhile, SevenRooms customers can look forward to their CRM software suddenly asking if they'd like fries with that, and Deliveroo drivers are being reassured that nothing will change, except now they'll be delivering under a name that sounds like a rejected Harry Potter spell.

As part of the deal, DoorDash has also announced plans to launch a new subscription service: "DashPass: The Pass That Dashes", which for a monthly fee will dash your hopes of ever seeing a competitive market again.