Temu Throws in the Towel: U.S. Tariffs Turn Chinese Bargains into Priceless Artifacts

In a shocking turn of events that has left bargain hunters across the U.S. in mourning, Temu has officially stopped shipping its "too good to be true" products from China. This comes after President Trump decided that the de minimis rule was just too minimis for his taste, effectively turning what was once a treasure trove of cheap gadgets into a collection of potential museum pieces.

"We were just trying to bring a little joy, and by joy, we mean inexplicably cheap electronics that may or may not catch fire," said a Temu spokesperson, while packing up a warehouse full of LED gloves that also inexplicably function as salad tossers. "But now, thanks to tariffs, our $5 wireless earbuds are about to cost as much as a kidney on the black market."

The move has sent shockwaves through the economy, particularly in the niche market of people who enjoy receiving packages only to discover they've ordered a "premium stainless steel watch" that turns their wrist green. Experts predict that the U.S. will now have to rely on domestic sources for poorly translated instruction manuals and items that vaguely resemble what was advertised.

Meanwhile, Shein, another purveyor of fast fashion that lasts exactly one wash, is reportedly considering a pivot to "artisanal, handcrafted" goods, which we can only assume means they'll start sewing their clothes with slightly thicker thread.

In related news, the U.S. Postal Service has announced a new support group for employees who will no longer have to deliver 40-pound packages marked "small electronic accessory" that somehow contain an entire home gym.