Tim Cook Discovers $900M Under His Tariff Couch Cushions, Future as Uncertain as Your Love Life

In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except maybe everyone), Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced that President Trump's tariffs will cost the company a cool $900 million in Q3. That's right, folks. Nine. Hundred. Million. Dollars. Or, as Apple likes to call it, 'loose change found in the couch.'

During what was probably the most expensive phone call in history (second only to your last international roaming mishap), Cook admitted that the March quarter saw only a 'limited impact' from tariffs. Limited, of course, meaning 'only enough to buy a small island nation.'

But fear not, dear shareholders! The future is as uncertain as the Wi-Fi signal in a Starbucks. Cook couldn't forecast what this means for the coming quarter, mainly because predicting the future is hard, especially when it involves politics and iPhones. 'If things remain the...' Cook trailed off, presumably because even he doesn't know what's next in this rollercoaster of an economy.

In related news, Apple has announced a new line of products designed to help you cope with the financial stress of tariffs. Introducing the iCry, a tissue box that syncs with your iPhone to play sad violin music every time you check your bank account.

Meanwhile, in a bold move to offset costs, Apple has started charging $999 for the privilege of breathing near an Apple Store. 'It's all about the experience,' said a spokesperson, while gently removing $20 from your wallet for 'atmospheric enhancement fees.'

So, what does this mean for you, the consumer? Probably nothing, because let's be honest, you're still going to buy the next iPhone even if it costs your firstborn child. But hey, at least now you know why.